Born Broken
by ColourSparrow
Summary: When nothing seems right and everything hurts, it's up to the ones who love you to put you back together. YAIO/Akuroku/Rokuaku. WARNING contains triggers, angst, self-harm, swearing and mature content! Also now with more fluffy-mushy-goooo!More to come!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - Hello everyone, Sparrow here. So this is my first fanfic, and I'm super excited to finally be writing it! Please give me advice and criticisms, and enjoy the show!**

**Disclaimer – This goes for all chapters from here on out! I do not own anything to do with Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy or Square Enix (sadly). I do not own any of the popular products, such as Oh Henry, mentioned in this fic. All I own is the plot!**

**Warning! – Yaio (boyxboy), angst, cutting, self-harm, major swearing, possible triggers and (maybe) mature content! Please do not come crying to me if you read this and find it disturbing in any manner, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! **

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Parents tell their children that, when they're older they'll understand, that everything will make fucking sense when they grow up. My parents said the same, said that when I was older this 'phase 'I was going through would be nothing but an un-fucking-pleasant memory.

I was seventeen years old by the time I realized they were full of bullshit and they didn't know any more than those dumb-fuck therapists they sent me to.

It was only a few days after that that I tried to commit suicide for the third time. The two times before hand my family had caught me in the act, my mom walked in on me swallowing my sleeping pills and my dad pulled me off the roof before I could jump. This time though, I planned it out. Went to the store, bought a pencil sharpener set along with some other 'innocent' crap, unscrewed the razor from inside, waited until everyone went to bed, and went fucking ape-shit on my wrists.

They found me, almost bled out, on the bathroom floor the next morning and rushed me to the hospital. The doctors stitched me up good and I was home again within a week, back to our lovely suburban home with the newly renovated bathroom. Whoever had cleaned up my mess was thorough, but I grinned morbidly when I found a few splatters of my blood behind the door.

Every time I attempted and failed, every time I refused to go back to the doctors , my parents begged and pleaded for an answer. My mother, with her soft brown eyes and auburn hair would cry and coddle me. My father's bright green eyes would flash with concern and he'd run a hand through his unruly red hair without saying a word. The expression on his face right then always interested me, because I looked just like the fucking bastard and it was like looking into one of those fun-house mirrors. Only instead of making me extra fat or short, this one aged me about twenty-five years.

After the looks and the crying and the babying came the questions. "Why Axel, why did you do that to yourself? Doctor Marco said you were doing so well!" and "What can we do Axel? How can we help you?". I never answered them, usually choosing to stalk away to my room and blast my ears out with music.

_There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,__  
__There is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself,__  
__There is nothing you can DO that I have not already done to myself,__  
__No, there is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself!_

There was one person that I could talk to, one person in the whole God dammed world that I felt safe around. We met in elementary school, back when we were just little snots and I wasn't quite as fucked up. His name was Roxas, and we met in Miss Robinsons second grade class at Twilight Elementary. I was a quiet kid wrapped up in my own shell, and Roxas was a little ray of sunshine, Neither one of us could remember how we get to be such close friends, but I'm willing to bet Roxas' sunny smile has something to do with it. All I know is that from the second grade onwards, we were best friends.

The first time I tried to kill myself, the time I overdosed, Roxas came and visited me in the fucking hell hole Twilight Town calls a hospital. We were both only fourteen, and I can remember being terrified that when Roxas found out what I had done, he wouldn't want to be around me anymore. I was shocked when he came into my room with a basket of our favourite candies (we both loves Snickers and Oh Henry bars) and enough comic books to last a month. He didn't lecture me, or make a fuss, he just sat down and started talking to me about little things like school and homework and the shenanigans of our friend Demyx.

The second time I was on suicide watch for trying to jump off our lovely family home roof, the same thing happened. Roxas came, we hung out, and he never pressured me into talking about what had happened. He didn't send me a single pitying glance, or try to tell me that everything would be okay, he was just there. It was that second time that I finally opened up just a bit. It started off like any of our hangouts with Roxas blabbering away.

"… then Zexion threw the fish right back!" he laughed, thinking about our friends antics "Want more soda Ax?"

I shook my head, then shifted in my chair uncomfortably. We were in my basement, which only had two chairs and a grimy sofa that we both agreed to avoid like the plague. We usually hung out at his house, but he had started coming over now that I wasn't allowed to leave.

"Roxas?" I started, but my mouth wouldn't form anything else.

"Yeah Ax? Want more soda?" he answered, still giggly from his story.

"I-I don- I don't think, I can't-" it was like my brain had shut off, "w-why? Please-"

"Ax, what are you trying to say, what's up?" Roxas asked, his voice now a lot more serious than before. He got up from the couch and kneeled in front of my chair where I was still sputtering incoherently. "Axel, what's wrong?"

I opened my mouth to answer but all that came out was a chocked sob, and that was all it took to break me. The tears came and I couldn't stop them, sobs escaped my mouth and shook my skinny body. Roxas' eyes went wide and he reached out to pull me into a hug that should have been awkward (after all we _were_ both dudes), but wasn't in the slightest.

"Axel, shhh- Ax" I kept on sobbing into his neck, only vaguely aware he smelled like fresh laundry and sea-salt ice-cream. "I'm here Ax, I'm here for you."

"Rox-" I croaked between breaths.

"Yeah Axel?" he answered in that calm voice that comforted me so much.

"Why a-am I so f-fucked up? W-why can't I b-be normal?" I whispered into his t-shirt.

He sighed and pulled me in closer. "You aren't fucked up Ax, you're just different. You keep everything inside and don't let anybody in. You have to let people help."

"I don't know how Rox, I want to but-" He tugged on my shoulders so we were face to face. I tried to avoid his eyes, those sky-fucking-blue eyes, but he held my chin so I couldn't look away.

"No buts" he smiled and I felt my heart melt just a little. "just start talking and I'll be here to listen. Or, if you don't want to talk to me you have Demyx, Zexion, your doctors and parents. Just try Ax."

I took a deep breath and pulled away from him and for a second he looked hurt, but that faded when I met his gaze with my own and smiled very slightly. "If I'm going to tell anyone, I'd like it to be you Rox, if that's ok."

His smile got even wider and he nodded so quickly his head looked like a fishing bobber. I had to laugh a little at how cute he was, even though I was still feeling pretty shitty. He laughed back and nudged me in the side, trying to make room for himself on my chair. Usually I would have frowned and pushed him away, but today I just wanted to feel close to someone. Without saying anything I moved over and made a space for him and he quickly wiggled in beside me.

There was an awkward silence for a little while until I decided to break it. I started telling him about everything, my problems, my pain, but not why I tried to off myself. Even I didn't really know why. I told him how I felt worried and sad and useless all the time, even when things were going good. I told him about the itchy feeling I got under my skin when I knew I had to cut, and how I hated not being control. The whole time, Roxas didn't say anything, he didn't ask questions and he didn't try to put word sin my mouth, it was… refreshing. With each thing I told him, I felt just a little bit lighter, all the pain was still there but knowing that I had someone to listen to me made it seem more bearable.

A few times I had to stop because I was crying to hard, and Roxas just held me and waited until I was read to keep going. A small part of me didn't want to start talking now that I had started, because that meant that Roxas would let go and things would go back to how they used to be. I was scared, so fucking scared, that after this nothing would change.

Things did change, and for two whole years I was able to get my life on track. Sure, I still hurt a lot and there were times when I wanted to kill myself properly, but Roxas was there to talk it out with me. I stopped cutting, started doing well in school, and even picked up the guitar my dad had bought for me when I was twelve. Turned out I had a real knack for music, and the teachers at school told me I should keep going with it in university.

Oh course, since this is my life, everything went to shit near the end of our senior year. Roxas had to go out to Atlantica for a funeral for one of his many relatives. He told me that he'd keep his phone on in case of emergencies and that no matter what he'd pick up if I needed him. It had been a long time since things had been that serious, but the sentiment still made my insides fucking tingle.

Things didn't quite work out as we'd planned. I was seeing this therapist, Vexen. He took over for my other doctor, the one who had actually been somewhat helpful so far, and it turned out he was the biggest fucking slime ball in all of Twilight Town. I told him things about my past, things that, thanks to Roxas, I was learning to talk about. And what did the greasy fucker do? He laughed, told me I was weak and pathetic, and should have offed myself when I had the chance, that scum like me didn't deserve to live. He said everything that I had been trying so hard to convince myself wasn't true, and hearing it come from someone else hurt me so deep.

That night I tried to call Roxas, to tell him what Vexen said and to hear his soothing voice tell me that it wasn't true, that I did deserve to live. He didn't pick up, not the first time, not the twentieth time. Later I found out his phone had broken, but at the time all I could think about was that if Roxas wasn't picking up, then Roxas was ignoring me. And if Roxas was ignoring me, then I had no one to help convince me I wasn't worthless.

On the way home from school the next day I stopped at the nearest store and picked up the pencil sharpener set that I had decided to use to kill myself. It was blue, not the same blue as Roxas' eyes, but close enough. I got home and sat down at my desk, removed the razor from its plastic casing and hid it in my drawer. Then, I wrote out my suicide note, said goodnight to my parents, and went to my room to wait. They didn't go to sleep until rally late, and if I had been thinking straight, I would have had time to talk myself out of it. As it was, my brain was completely off, and I didn't care about anything other than ending my life as soon as possible.

I remember the first cuts, not very deep but going right over the scar tissue that was there from my past cutting sprees. The relief that usually came with cutting wasn't there, I knew that this time I had to go all the way if I wanted to finally be able to get some peace. I kept going, carving words 'Worthless', 'Loser', 'Cutter', and finally 'I WANT TO DIE', all into my forearms. It was getting hard to keep going, not because of the pain, there was no pain, but because everything was getting fuzzy. I must have passed out, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the same hospital I had become so familiar with.

The first thing I felt was the dull throbbing coming from my arms, and for a second I wondered why it didn't hurt more. I looked down at the bandages and felt nothing but disappointment, after all I was still alive despite trying my best to be the opposite. I grunted in discomfort, alerting whoever was sitting beside me that I was awake.

"You fucking idiot!" the person screamed at me, and for a second I was so shocked I frozen. That voice, that voice that had always been so sweet and kind and _giggly_, was screaming at the top of its lungs. "How could you Axel? How could you try to leave me, am I really that bad? Why Axel why!"

My muggy brain tried to piece together enough words to ask what was going on, but all it managed was "-oxas?"

"You better fucking believe it's me! Your parents called me from the _hospital _Axel. They had to explain to me that you had almost _died_!" Roxas yelled.

"Thought you… ignored my calls…" my brain still wasn't working, but it was slowly getting there. Whatever medications they had me on were really messing me up.

"What? No, my phone broke but I was coming home today anyways and figured you could wait if you needed anything. Apparently not!" he scoffed, and I felt my heart jump in two different directions. Roxas wasn't ignoring me, he _did _ care, but Roxas was also pissed, more pissed than that time Demyx broke his prized Keyblade.

"Roxas I'm-" I didn't even get to finish what would have been the most heartfelt apology I'd ever made because suddenly, Roxas was kissing me.

It wasn't hard and rushed, like you'd think it be since he surprised me, but it wasn't soft like I'd come to expect from him. He didn't move to deepen the kiss, which I knew for a fact was both our first, and instead pulled back and crushed his head into my chest. He was crying, I could feel his tears soaking my hospital gown, but my drug addled brain was still trying to process that _Roxas, _ another dude, had just kissed me.

"I'm sorry Axel, I should have found a way to call, I should have known better. I'm so sorry." He was close to sobbing now, his smaller body shaking with the effort of just keeping it together for my sake. "Axel? Please, say something."

"You kissed me." I whispered. My lips were tingling with the same feeling that I got in my stomach every time Roxas was being nice to me, or had done something really cute. Was I… could I be _in love _ with Roxas? Because that's what tingly feeling and warm smiles and staying up until 2am thinking about someone meant right?

"Yeah you idiot, I did." Roxas' muffled voice came from my shoulder. "I- I love you Ax, I have for years, but you're straight and I k-know you don't feel the same and I'm so-" it was my turn to interrupt his apologies ,and what better way than to kiss him?

"Wha?" was all he got out before I started chuckling, and then laughing.

"I didn't know until right now Rox, but I think I love you to." God damn just saying that made me feel like I was flying. And for once, I actually felt like maybe, things were going to be alright.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Hello everyone, Sparrow here! So here's the official first chapter of "Born Broken". Last chapter was the prologue, and now the story can really begin! Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors you find, I suck at typing things out. If there's anything that's so terrible that it messes up the whole story for you, let me know and I'll fix it! Hope you enjoy reading, and let me know how you're liking the sotry so far! Happy reading!**

**Disclaimer –Forgot to mention last time that, unless mentioned in the author's note, I don't own any of the songs, lyric or poetry that are mentioned in this fic! I will be adding my own, but as a general rule, if I don't say it's mine, then I don't own it!**

**Warning! – Yaoi (boyxboy), angst, cutting, self-harm, major swearing, possible triggers and (maybe) mature content! Please do not come crying to me if you read this and find it disturbing in any manner, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! **

"Dammit Axel, stop playing those idiotic video games and help me move these boxes!" Roxas yelled from downstairs.

"Fine, give me a second!" I yelled back getting slightly pissed off at his nagging. I swear, I love him, but ever since we decided to move to a new place it's been nothing but 'Axel do this' and "Axel do that'. I'm a pretty patient guy, but there's only so much I can take!

"Axel! Get your ass down here now!"

I growled and stalked to the top of the stares. "I said give me a God dammed second Roxas! For fuck sakes can't I take a break once and a while?"

Roxas came to the bottom of the stares, looking up at me. His glare would have killed lessor men, but I was just about immune to it now, except on certain nights when… now isn't the time to be thinking about that.

"You want a break? Well so do I, I've been working hard all day. This is your day off I don't see why you didn't start doing this hours ago!" Ouch, that's right play the blame card Roxas. He knows that he can get me to do almost anything if he can get me to feel guilty.

"I was busy Rox. Dem called and you know how he blabbers on and on about his precious 'Zexy'. Then Sora called looking for you and he started talking…" I tried to wiggle my way out, already feeling the guilt creep up from my stomach and into my chest.

Roxas sighed and cast one last reproachful look up to me. Dammit, I was so done. Going back to our bedroom I saved and turned off my game and went down to the first floor of our apartment. It was weird that we had two floors, well really more like one and a half. The upper half kind of sat over the kitchen and living room with a balcony over the dining room. Our bedroom was up there along with the only bathroom. It sounded kind of fancy, our friends were always telling us how lucky we were to score such an awesome place, especially in Radiant Garden. What they didn't know was how much of a dump the place really was.

I walked through he dining room and into the kitchen where everything was pretty much already packed up. We had left the essentials, two plates, two cups and a few random pieces of cutlery out to last us until the move, but everything else had been boxed up. The dining room was another story entirely. The tables and chairs were all covered in boxes that were stacked to about shoulder height. Well, shoulder height on me, they were probably level with Roxas' blond spikes. I made a mental note to tease the shorty when he walked back in.

"Oh so you decided to help out you bastard?" He snipped and I swear it took every bit of my manly willpower to not walk away from him.

"Don't be a bitch pipsqueak, I came to help so just tell me what needs done so I can get back to what I was doing." Yeah, I know. Name-calling is for kids, but he had it coming.

Obviously pissed off at me for the pipsqueak comment, (or maybe for calling him a bitch, Roxas is complicated like that) he pointed to the boxes on the table. I eyed them and growled when I noticed they were by far the heaviest ones of the whole lot.

"Why do we have so much shit?" I huffed while picking two boxes to carry. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Roxas smile and I knew he wasn't really mad at me. That was how me and him worked, we fought and bitched, but we never really tried to hurt each other.

"No idea. Those ones can go in the back of my car, and whatever doesn't fit we can fit in Demxys' once he gets here." Roxas told me, grabbing a few boxes of his own.

Lucky for me the boxes weren't all that heavy, just really big and awkward. I hitched them up higher in my arms and made my way to the front door. I turned around to ask Roxas to open the door for me, or maybe prop it open, and caught him staring at me. We actually not me, more specifically he was staring at the two or three inches of skin that had been exposed when the boxes pulled my shirt up. With all the moving plans and general confusion, we hadn't really had time to be 'together' in a long while and that fact was blatantly obvious in how Roxas was staring at me. He was looking at me like he wanted to eat me, gobble me right up with those soft pink lips… oh dammit I was doing it to!

"Like what you see Roxy-bear?" I asked him in a husky tone. I cocked my hip slightly, causing my shirt to ride up a little more. Roxas' eyes went wide; he knew I could be a terrible tease if I wanted.

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about Ax, am I supposed to be seeing something special?" He answered in an equally sexy tone, and I shivered. Oh yeah, he definitely wanted me _bad._ "Maybe you can fill me in after we're done with these boxes…"

God dammit! Foiled by the moving boxes. I sighed and turned to the door, opening it with my elbows and keeping it open with my back. If getting this done was more important to Roxas than mind blowing we- haven't- had-sex-for-two-weeks sex, then I guess it had to be done.

I was trying to get down the front stairs of our apartment when I felt hands wrap around my waist. My first though was that Roxas had changed his mind and I was about to get _really _ lucky, but an gratingly cheerful voice crushed those thoughts.

"Ax! Hey. What you been doing buddy? How's it going?" Demyx whined. Oh God, someone had given him coffee, probably Zexion. He always got a kick out of hyping the boy up then setting him lose on the public. I swear he was more than a bit sadistic.

"Dem, you were supposed to be here two hours ago, what took you so fucking long?" He blushed and mumbled something about 'Zexion' and 'early birthday presents' and I knew I didn't want to hear the rest. "Never mind, just unlock your truck and help me get these boxes put away.

"Aye aye captain!" Demyx shouted with a sault. Someone remind me why I put up with him again?

All three of us spent the rest if the afternoon going back and forth between Roxas' and my apartment to both cars. Demyx was honestly in the way more than he was helpful, always getting distracted and almost falling down the stairs more times than I could count. BY the time we were done it was getting pretty late and Roxas suggested that we order a pizza or something instead of trying to cook up a meal. Demyx whines until he got his own extra-large cheese (idiot doesn't eat meat, something about hurting the little piggies and calves). Roxas and I ordered a delux with everything on it, I didn't usually eat much so no point in ordering a whole pizza just for me.

"So you guys excited to be moving out of this dump?" Dem asked, but his mouth was full of cheesey pizza so it sounded more like "Shmo mo gush eshished sho besh mooshing oush osh 'ish shump?"

Roxas threw him a disgusted look and nodded. I on the other hand almost killed myself laughing. Dem was really fucking annoying and kind of an airhead, but he sure knew how to make me laugh.

"Wipe that smile off your face Ax, don't think I haven't forgotten that you were a lazy asshole all day. I mean honestly, you couldn't have at least started moving those boxes before I got home? You can be such a lazy shit sometimes." Roxas scoffed. He was tired, I knew that, and I knew that I really shouldn't have left all the work for when he got home. But what he'd said hurt me and from the look in his eyes, he'd meant to do exactly that.

"Fuck you Roxas, just fuck you." I said blankly. I stood up and walked out of the living room, into the dining room and up the stairs. For a second I thought about going to our bedroom, but I figured that Roxas wouldn't think twice about following me there, so I passed it and went straight to the bathroom.

There wasn't much in here since everything but our toothbrushes and some shampoo had been packed up. Locking the door behind me I started stripping my tight black long sleeve and grey skinny jeans off, intent on getting into the shower. I had to wait for the water to heat up, I wanted a hot shower, not a freezing one. Standing there in my birthday suit I looked down at myself. There was a reason I covered up as much as possible, even in the summer. All those years of depression and anxiety hadn't been easy on me, and I hadn't gone easy on my body. My arms were still scarred from the last time I had tried to kill myself, but there were others all over my chest, legs and stomach. I was proud to notice that they were fading, after all I hadn't cut in the five years since that last time.

The water was as heated up as it was going to get so I stepped in, hissing quietly as the wet drops scorched my back. My wild red hair started to flatten and cling to my neck, even with all the products I put in it, it couldn't stand up in the shower spray. I sat down under the water and brought my knees up to my chest, laying my head on them. It was kind of hard since I was so tall, probably about six foot three, but I managed.

Now that I was alone and the water was burning away the hurt I'd felt form Roxas' comments, I decided to sit and think for a little while. Why had Roxas said those terrible thing to me? Was I really being that much of a bastard? He knows my history, hell he's just about the only person who knows anything about me, but he still chose to hurt me like that. He'd basically called me worthless and useless, right in front of Demyx as well. I looked down at my arms again, where the word 'Worthless' was carved into my wrist. Yeah, Roxas knew about all that and he still said it.

"I'm not worthless." I whispered to myself, hoping that saying it out loud would make me believe it. "I'm not a loser, not worthless, I'm not." I was starting to have trouble thinking straight as my mind went progressively deeper into the dark place I had left behind five years ago. "Not worthless, not worthless, n-not w-worthless, _n-n-not worth-l-less"._ It was a wonder that no one had come in yet, what with me screaming at the top of my lungs.

"Axel! Ax, what's going on in there, open the door!" spoke too soon. Demyx was pounding on the door, demanding that I unlock it. I totally would have if I had been able to move my body at all. The hot water had run out and was freezing cold, making me shiver uncontrollably.

I could hear Dem shout to someone, probably Roxas, and then more thumping against the door. It only took a few more loud bangs for it to fly right off the hinges and into the bathroom floor. Demyx tumbled in, almost joining the door on the floor, followed by Roxas. They both looked around franticly, probably expecting me to be bleeding out against the sink.

"Axel, shit, you're ok man?" Dem asked me when he finally looked in the shower stall. I didn't answer him, but I think my constant shivering was enough to send a clear 'no'. "Roxas, get some towels and blanket, he's gotta be freezing. Ax, you have to help me here ok bud? Come on get up." He hoisted me out of the stall and into a big fluffy blanket courtesy of Roxas.

"Are you alight Ax? Are you hurt at all?" I knew he was trying to stay calm while looking me over for elf inflicted cuts. He was poking and prodding at me and I was starting to get just a little bit pissed. Did they really think that the second I was out of their sight id start cutting myself into little pieces? Was I some sort of fucking kid to them?

I slapped his hands away and stood shakily. Damn it was freezing; even the blanket couldn't stop me from feeling like I was turning into an icicle. Even so, I managed to stand and start walking on my own, pushing past Roxas who had been hovering by the door.

"Ax-" he started but I didn't stop to listen to the rest. I slammed the door to our room, but didn`t lock it behind me. No use in having those two idiots murder another innocent in their quest to be constantly in my business. Glaring at the room I shuffled around until I found a pair of clean boxers folded onto top of the dresser and pulled them on. Shivering (and still not thinking very clearly), I climbed under the bed sheets and curled up.

Why why why why. That was the only thing going through my head as I lay in our dark bedroom. It was just as empty in here as the rest of our apartment, only the mattress, blankets, and a the dresser full of clothes left. Why had Roxas said those thing, when he knew I would make me feel this way? Why had Demyx been the one to come get me, when Roxas was my boyfriend? Why had Roxas tried to reach out to me as I stumbled out of the bathroom, and why hadn't he come to check up on me yet? Why, after all these years, was I still such a fucking wimp?

There was a quiet knocking on the door and an even quitter "Can I come in?". I didn't answer but knew that Roxas would take that as a yes. He knew me better than anyone, and if I wasn't yelling and screaming for him to get away then it was alright for him to come in. Honestly, I didn't have the energy to keep him away.

"Axel… you ok?" why did everyone keep asking me that. Couldn't they tell that I _obviously _ wasn't? "About what I said before…"

"It doesn't matter." I growled, but it came out mumbled and slightly higher pitched than I intended. No, I was not going to cry in front of Roxas, not now.

He sighed and sat down on the bed facing me. I turned over so that my back was to him. "No Ax, it does matter." Deep breath, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean… well I did mean what I said, but not the way it came out. I was frustrated and tired and… shit I was just being a bitch alright? You always call me a bitch, and it's true." I heard him shift on the bed and felt a small hand brush through my still wet hair. "I'm so sorry Axel, sometimes I forget how you are. You're just like everyone else to me, but I, especially me, should know better. I should treat you like the amazing boyfriend I know you are, instead of the sarcastic twit you act like sometimes." I couldn't help but crack a small grin at that.

"You probably don't want anything to do with me right now, so I'm going to go sleep on the couch. Goodnight Ax, I'm so, so, so sorry." Roxas shifted so he could get off the bed, but froze when I turned over to look at him.

"Ax-" I cut him off with a bone crushing hug. There were a lot of things I knew about Roxas, how he liked to draw on rainy days and exactly how he liked his tea (one sugar, two milk, a pinch of lemon and a dash of cream). I knew that he was really as big of a cry baby as me, and that he would never _ever_ apologise unless he meant it.

"Don't go Rox. I don't want you to sleep on the couch." I told him, hugging him close to my chest. I felt him shake a little and realised that maybe I wasn't the only one who needed come comforting.

"Oh dammit, look at me. Here I am trying to make you feel better and I'm a big blubbering mess!" He sniffled and wrapped his shorter arms around my middle. "I- I was just so horrible, and you were screaming and I c-couldn't do anything and-" I had t kiss him to shut him up.

"It's ok Roxy, I forgive you. Y-you didn't mean to be so harsh. I'm sorry for being a lazy piece of shit." I told him, looking at his now tear streaked face.

He smiled sadly and rested his head on my shoulder. "You're not a piece of shit, lazy maybe, but not shit. I love you Ax."

"Love you to Roxy-bear. Love you so God damn much it hurts." I pulled us down on the bed and pulled dup the covers. It didn't hurt so bad now that I knew Roxas didn't think I was worthless.

"Goodnight lover." I whispered, and I knew he heard me when I felt him give a weak squeeze around my middle. Exhausted from all the drama I felt sleep dragging me under, and I just hoped that things would be better tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N – You all have permission to kill me, this is SO late. I'm really really REALLY sorry about leaving you guys hanging for almost two weeks now. University got a bit crazy for a while, and this story deals with some heavy stuff that makes it a bit hard for me to get into the mood for writing it. Still, that's no excuse, and I give all my readers permission to harass me with messages if I EVER take this long to update again!**

**So without further ado, enjoy chapter two of **_**Born Broken**_**! Oh, on a side note, I've made a promise that each chapter will be longer than the one before it as a way to get myself to write more, so that's good news for you guys!**

**Disclaimer – Read the other chapters, I'm not re-writing a disclaimer for this every time! :D**

I had no idea how Roxas thought we could afford this new apartment.

He had picked the place out and me being a trusting guy (at least in Roxas' case), I didn't ask to see it beforehand. I had trusted that he could find us a good place to live while staying in our budget. He made quite a bit as a low-level architect, but I worked in a diner. Yay minimum wage!

The point is, when Roxas and I pulled up to our new apartment just in front of Demyx, I was shocked. This apartment, our apartment apparently, looked way too expensive for us. The front was clean grey stone, the windows were washed and unbroken, and to top it all off there were actually flowers around the entrance.

"Um, Rox? Are you sure we have the right address?" I asked him. He shut the car of and gave me a funny look.

"Yeah, 138 Bastian Place. Why, what's wrong?"

I gaped at him for a second before turning back to the building. " What's wrong?" I asked in a mocking tone, my eyebrows raised. "How about the fact that this place probably costs double what you and I make. How are we supposed to fucking afford this Roxas?"

Roxas visibly bristled, his spikey hair seeming to stand up even more. His fists tightened around them hem of his purple t-shirt, the one with the yellow smiley face on it I bought him for his birthday last year. He always wore it with his dark blue jeans and, in my opinion, never looked sexier. Focus Axel, Roxas is pissed, _you're pissed. _ I saw him take a few breaths then turn to me with that oh-so-Roxas smile. "I'll just work a few extra shifts; you can try being less of an ass at work and get more tips. We'll be fine." He turned away again. "Besides… don't we deserve to have a nice home to come back to at the end of the day?"

Needless to say, I felt like shit for being such a douche to him. "You're right Roxy, sorry for being a dick. I love it." I said with an apologetic grin. I always forgot that having a 'home' was a sore spot for Rox. After finally coming out to his parents in his second year of university they threw him out, 'disgusted' to have a son who preferred men over PMSing women. That was one thing I hadn't needed to worry about, my parent were just happy to see me alive and in a relationship at all.

"Don't say that before you see the inside. Come on, Dem can start unpacking the boxes." He grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the building. I looked back at Dem and he waved half-heartedly, already reaching into the back of his car. I waved back and let Roxas lead me up the steps, which I noticed were also fucking immaculate.

'Roxas pulled me up the stairs, past the reception lady (you know it's a fancy apartment when there's a reception lady) and into the elevator. Still holding my hand, he pressed the '8' button and stood back. I waited patiently for about two floors before looking down at him, and to my surprise, he was looking right back at me. Smiling down at him, I lent to kiss his forehead, then nose, and finally lips with soft pecks. I expected him to giggle and blush like usual, but instead he pulled me back down and kissed me lightly on the lips.

I was about to continue our impromptu make out session when the elevator dinged and the doors opened. "Dammit, them fancy elevators are just too quick, eh Roxy?" I drawled.

He grinned at me and tugged my hand. "This is our floor, we're apartment 13. Hurry up; I want to show you some… things before Dem comes looking for us.

"Sounds great Rox. Let's hurry so you can show me those… _things._" I replied hotly, giving his hand a quick squeeze.

He led me down the hall. We ended up in front of room 13 (funny; don't apartments usually skip 13th things?) and Roxas fumbled around with the key. He managed to get it open just as I was about to get impatient. He went inside and motioned for me to follow. I hurried through the door and snapped it shut behind me, hoping to get some Roxy-Axel time.

The apartment, just like the rest of the building, was fancier than anywhere I'd imagined living, if not a little too bland in colour. The front room was big and L shaped with two doors off to the right and an archway that probably led to the kitchen. Judging by the layout there had to have been at least two bedrooms, what would we need two rooms for?

"We're allowed to paint the whole place, as long as it isn't like, zebra stripes and polka dots. The first door is the bathroom that connects to the main bedroom. The next is the main door to that bedroom and the other one is the second bedroom, which I was thinking I could use as an office." Ah, that made sense in our old apartment Roxas' drafting table and desk had been crammed uncomfortably in the bedroom. He had to stay up late some nights in order to get his projects done, and I had to get up early to work at Half Cup, so it was kind of a major pain "The kitchen's on the left and that's it. Oh, there's a balcony outside the kitchen that wraps around to the second bedroom-office." Roxas explained while pointed to each area.

"A balcony? Fancy shit." I said, gazing over to the natural sunlight streaming in from the kitchen. "A full kitchen as well? You going to start cooking romantic candle light dinners?"

"I'm not the one who works at a restaurant though am I Mr. Chef?" Roxas purred, He came over and wrapped his arms around my neck. I swear he's bipolar, all business one second and sex kitten the next. Not that I was complaining. "I was hoping you could cook us up something delicious."

I circled his waist in my arms and lent down to nip at his left ear. "I'm sure I could try. What did you have in mind?" I made sure to let my break wash against his neck and make him shudder.

"Axel…" He whined, pushing himself closer to me and tilting his head. Smiling against his skin, I started planting soft, wet kisses down the side of his neck. I licked, sucked, and bit the junction between his neck and shoulder Roxas moaned loudly and grabbed me tighter, holding onto my spikes, and pulling. I growled and Roxas whimpered such a gorgeous sound. His creamy skin was just begging for a hickey, and I made sure to give him one, sucking harshly. Roxas moaned even louder, and this time when I pulled back, it was him who growled.

"You think it's funny eh? Giving me hickies, teasing me?" I smirked and lent in to kiss him. He dodged me and pushed me back with so much force that I stumbled into the front door. "You like feeling like you're in charger?" Roxas bit into my neck hard, just like I had done to him, and my knees almost gave out on me. If Roxas hadn't had me pinned, I would have melted into a puddle of Axel-goo for sure.

"Fuck, Rox-"I couldn't get any more out before he smashed our mouths together. His hot tongue prodded at my lips and I opened my mouth to let him in and a quiet moan out. As expected his tongue thrust hotly inside, but as I tried to respond he pulled back only to give my bottom lip a sharp nip. He carried on like this for what seemed like hours, sucking on my tongue, ravishing the inside of my mouth, and torturing my bottom lip before he finally broke away.

"Like that Ax? You want more?" Roxas asked huskily. Worrying my lip between words. I was mortified to hear a small whimpered "Yeah…" escape from me before I could pull myself together. This always happened, I'd start in control, with Roxas begging me, and then he would do something to turn the tabled around. I felt completely helpless, even though I was probably twice his size and could push him off if I really wanted to.

Roxas began to grind up against me ever so slightly, causing my to wrench my lip from his teach and throw my head back with a moan. His hands wandered down to my hips where they fiddled with the waistband of my jeans and the hem of my shirt until I was practically _writhing_ against him. "Well too bad, Dem is going to be here with the boxes soon." All too suddenly, he let go of me and it was only the door preventing me from falling on my ass.

"Y-you're a bastard of a tease, you know that Roxas?" I snapped at him, though my angry glare was ruined by the blush staining my cheeks. Cures him for being so freaking sexy.

He smiled sweetly ad offered his hand to help me stand fully. I took it and he pulled me to my feet, laughing at me as I stood unsteadily on shaky legs. "I know, but you love me anyways."

"Unfortunately." I grumbled. He knew I didn't mean it though, I loved him.

"Pretty nice way to christen the apartment though." Roxas chirped, back to his innocent self.

"I know an even nicer way-"My perverted intentions were cut off by Demyx kicking the door open, boxes of our shit in hand.

"Thanks for leaving me to do all the work guys. Let me guess, Axel wanted to 'break in' the new apartment?" He grumbled, his sandy blond mow hawk/mullet absolutely limp with exertion.

"I think Roxy used the term 'christen'." I replied snidely, taking the boxes from him. Poor guy looked like he was going to collapse. "Why're you so beat Dem? Take the stairs of have you finally ruined your lungs with all that smoking?"

His eyes went wide as he looked from Roxas, to me, and back. "You mean there's an elevator? And Roxas was the horny one? That's it, today is just too weird, I'm going home!" And with that, he marched right back out of our apartment.

"Wait Dem! Your car is full of our stuff! You can' leave yet!" Roxas called, racing to catch the elevator. I smiled as my little blond booked it down the hallway. The stuff in Dem's car was mostly his, and I couldn't help but feel karma was getting Roxas back for his little teasing episode.

"Sh-shut up Ax, it isn't funny!" Roxas stuttered. He was hoping up and down trying to get warm enough to stop his constant shivering. Apparently it had started raining while we were inside looking at the apartment and Rox got soaked trying to chase Dem's car down the street.

I snorted and pulled him down into my lap. After watching him run out of the apartment I decided to unpack a few boxes, coming up with some pillows and an extra bed sheet that I promptly turned into a make-shift chair for our living room. "Karma, Roxas, is mean and bitter bitch." He snuggled into my chest while I crossed my legs underneath him.

Roxas ignored my comment and continued to complain. "I'm going to kill Demyx, all my clothes were in his car, and he didn't have to splash me driving through that puddle!"

"But you look so cute in my shirt pipsqueak." I teased, and it was true. He was wearing my favourite t-shirt, the one with fiery chakrams in the middle and a hole in the side. It came down to his mid-thigh, he was so tiny.

"I am not cute! Small, maybe, even ugh… _short, _but not cute!" He protested. I laughed because his flailing and pouting made him even cuter. Ever since I'd met him back in grade two he's protested being short and cute, at least until the 4th year of high school when he had to admit he wasn't growing anymore. Now he'd accepted it, but still hated being called cute.

"Fine Mr. Manly." I kissed his nose. "Should we make something in our new kitchen? I was thinking stir-fry."

"It depends, you making it?" Roxas grinned. I scowled at him jokingly, jutting my hip out in a dramatic fashion. I liked to act as flamboyantly gay as possible sometimes, just to piss him off.

"Working as a server in a diner doesn't make me a good cook Rox." I pushed him off my lap gently and stoop up. My ass was getting sore sitting on the living room floor. Too bad our furniture wasn't going to be set up for at least a week.

Roxas pouted again and I knew I'd give into him "Fine, I'll cook, just stopping with the adorable looks. I swear, you could convince a nun to commit murder with that fucking look."

"Oh, I know" That evil little bastard. "How about I chop veggies and you do the meat?" He scrambled up to plant a soft kiss on my lips. I know I've said this a million times before, but I fucking love this kid.

'Fine, don't blame me if the kitchen burns down though." I deadpanned and raced to the stove. Roxas followed behind me, sputtering something about 'fire extinguishers' and 'Dem's car'. I laughed.

"Roxy… I told you not to blame me if the kitchen burnt down!" I pouted. The stir-fry had been lovely, the burning dishtowels and ruined frying pan had not.

"Stop whining Ax, you sound like a baby." Roxas snapped while checking himself for singe marks. "I don't blame you; I just always forget how terrible you are at cooking."

I smiled and ruffled his hair, something I knew he hated because it made him feel like a little kid. "I've gotten better since you started teaching me." It wasn't necessarily true, but I caught him smiling as he swatted my hand away.

"Whatever Ax. Want to go to bed? I'm beat." Roxas gave a cute little yawn and I swear I have never seen anything more adorable than him in my big, worn t-shirt.

"Just bed? Aww, here I was hoping for a little more." That earned me a slap upside the head.

"Just for that, you're getting nothing mister!" he jumped away from me and into our new bedroom, where we had set up an air mattress.

"Roxassss…" I whined, I can be such a whiney bitch sometimes." But I'm horny Roxy…"

Roxas snuggled into the blankets on our' bed' until I could only see the top of his spiky blond hair. "Then deal with it, I'm sleepy." he griped.

This wasn't good, oh no. Roxas had been teasing me for days now, with casual touches, innuendoes, and sudden make-out sessions. Oh no no no, he wasn't getting away that easy. I huffed and walked over to the boxes stacked by the bed. I cashed around looking for pajama bottoms, making, as much noise as possible, didn't stop until I saw Roxas peek out of the covers to see what the hell I was doing. With a cry of triumph I pulled out a pair of sweats, then, ever so slowly, began peeling my black skinny jeans off. The button popped, the zipper was dragged down agonizingly slow, down until I could start shimmying the impossibly tight jeans off my ass.

By his point, I could feel Roxas' eyes on me and I could hear his breathing pick up. Down the pants went as I slowly bent over, making sure to give him a good view of my ass and legs as I went. When my pants (and socks) were finally gone, I flung them across the room and started on my black hoodie. The zipper went even slower than the pants had, but I was pretty sure Roxas was staring at my flame boxers (a present from him) more than anything else. It wasn't until the hoodie joined my jeans on the other side of the room that I looked up at Roxy with my sexiest grin.

"So Roxy" my left hand sneaking underneath my t-shirt. "Still don't want to play with me?" he licked his lips and met my stare with an equally lustful one.

"You're a bastard." He growled, grabbing my shirt and yanking it off so I was only in my boxers. "A sexy bastard. Toy with me like this."

His mouth (oh God his _mouth_) latched onto my neck and I couldn't help but let out a soft mewl. "I o-only had to because you're such a tease. G-god Rox, don't stop." I ground out while pulling at hi (my) t-shirt.

He pulled away to send me a cheeky glare. "Oh, I'm not going to stop." A flash of white teeth in the darkness of the bedroom. "I'm going to keep going, and _going, u_ntil you're nothing but a whimpering pile ofmush."

I shuddered at the though, or maybe it was the fact that at that moment Roxas attached himself to my left nipple. Either way, I wasn't protesting when he pushed me onto my back, or when he trapped both my hands above my head and started grinding into me punishingly. I tried to say something to him, probably a witty remark, but all that came out were little wanton sound of need. God, I was such a girl when it came to our sex life, even if I was the bigger, more manly one in our relationship.

After the mind-blowing sex however, I certainly wasn't complaining. I was too busy curled up against his chest, unable to do anything other than breath heavily while Roxas grinned in satisfaction.

I didn't complain about anything at all, at least not until the next day when I woke up with a pain in my ass like you wouldn't fucking believe. Then I was backing to being a whiny bitch, albeit a whiny bitch with a _very _satisfied libido.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – Hello everyone! I'm really sorry this chapter took so long. I could gave a million excuses about school and a busy life, but I'm not going to! I'm back on schedule however, and you can expect a stead update of one or more chapter per month (along with other stories being posted).**

**Also, as a side-note, I really apologise for how fluffy last chapter was. I know this is an angst story, but I figured a little bit of fluff before the (ehem) shit hit the fan would be nice. His chapter is going to be the real start of the major story arc, an of you haven't read the 1st chapter aka prologue, you're going to be confused as hell. Also, I'd really like to know what you guys think of the story so far, how's the dialog, the description? Tell me what you love, what you hate, and what parts you think should be changed! I have a plot outline, but in my opinion fan fiction is 75% for the reader and 25% for the writer, so if there's anything you think would make a good addition let me know and I'll consider it! Reviews are always welcome, even if you want to tell me it sucks! The only rule is you have to tell me WHY you think that, so that I can improve :D.**

**This is way too long now, so I'll cut it off now and say… HAPPY READING!**

**WARNING!: There is a graphic self-harm scene in this chapter. I urge you to follow the bolded markers and skip that part if it will make you uncomfortable or upset. I don't condone self-harm in any way, this is just a plot device I am using!**

**Disclaimer – Check the other chapters please!**

* * *

**One Month later**

Things were not going well in the house of Axel and Roxas. When Roxas said he'd work a little more to pay for the apartment, I didn't think he meant I'd never see him. Instead of living with him, I felt like he was a seasonal visitor, kind of like that relative you only see around the Christmas. Even at night, when you'd think we could at least go to bed and wake up together, he was working in his office.

In all honesty, I was feeling pretty shitty about our situation. The apartment was nice, but I'd rather live in a shit-hole with Roxas than a penthouse without him. I was picking up extra shifts at Half Cup, the coffee shop where I worked, and had taken up a bartending job at the Blue Poppy, a local club. Even when Roxas did have time off, I was working. After a month it was really starting to get to me. I wasn't sleeping well and I stopped feeling the need to eat full meals, usually choosing to ignore my needs and mope around.

It was about a week after our one-month mark of living there that things got really bad. Like any weekday, my radio alarm went off at 7 am and I smashed the snooze button until it shut up. Usually after the third or fourth time, Roxas would slap, pinch and poke me until I got up, but he had been going into the office early for three weeks now.

The radio alarm went off again. _I'm not suicidal I just can't get out of bed. I drift into a deep fog, lost where I forgot to hold it. I can feel you when I'm alone. I can feel your ghost when I'm alone. _I didn't shut it off and let the song play out until I had to get up and start the day. I'd have to take a shower, get dressed, than take the bus down to Half Cup.

"Fucking alarms, fucking work, fucking bus…" I grumbled into my hands. I wouldn't be able to wake up until I got clean. A nice scalding shower would do the trick.

A few minutes later, I was stepping out of my boxers (I hadn't bothered with PJ's in years) and into the steamy spray that would have sent most people running. Staring there with my hair sticking to my face and back I smiled grimly at the realization I was actually enjoying the bone-searing heat. It was just another reminded of my shitty past.

The rest of my shower was quick and by the time I got out, I was fully awake. Normally, I'd take my time and do my hair to its spiky perfection, but my boss Luxord demanded his workers had their hair tied back.

By eight I was headed out the door in my uniform, a block shirt, black slacks, and a gold apron.

The bus. If I was a religious guy I'd be inclined to believe the big guy upstairs was punishing me. The 8:10 Blue Line was always late, always crowded, and _always_ driven by Marluxia Crow, the most perverted man you'll ever meet. Every day he hit on me, tried to grope me and made creepy faces at me in his rear-view mirror, no matter how often I told him to fuck off.

"Good morning fire-crotch, how're you doing today?" Marluxia asked the moment I flashed him my bus pass. I'd learned the best way to deal with him was to ignore his advances, so I flipped him the bird and sat down. "Aww, not going to talk to me today baby? I'm hurt!"

"Fuck off. I'm not in the mood." I snapped.

"Oooh, kitties got claws! I like my men feisty." He cooed , pulling into busy Hollow Bastian traffic.

"Shut the fuck up!" I roared, not thinking about the other passengers who'd hear me. The bus was dead silent now, everyone watching nervously.

"Fine, be an asshole. I'll leave you to PMS all alone." Marluxia sneered, hoping to provoke me into talking. He was disappointed though, and the rest of the ride I sent silent.

* * *

Work was slightly better than the bus. Half Cup was a small coffee shop in Down-town Hollow Bastion. I had been working there since I graduated high school and as far as work goes, it was pretty fun. Today however…

"Late again Axel." a sophisticated British accent informed me. Luxord, my boss, was a middle-aged gambling addict who had opened the coffee shop on a dare. He usually worked in the kitchens with Xaldin. Together they made up our own oldies comedy show.

"Not my fault, Marly was being a dick and missed my stop. I had to walk four blocks to get back here." I explained, dropping my staff in the back and stepping up to the counter.

Luxord must have been in a bad mood, because I saw his blond head pop out from the kitchen wearing an angry scowl. "Then get up earlier. You've worked here for years Ax, but if you start slacking off I'm gonna have to do something about it."

A sharp stab of panic shot through me, losing this job wasn't an option. Roxas and I were barely scraping by as it was. "I'll be on time tomorrow, pinky-promise." I smiled, covering up my stress with a signature wink and two-finger salute.

"You better be, I'd hate to lose one of the family."

"Aw, getting old and soft Lux?" I cooed, wiggling my fingers at him and grinning. He didn't answer, just gave me the finger and went back to the kitchen.

The rest of my shift went by normally. The rest of my co-workers did their thing and I did mine. In the café there were three other workers, a nasty blonde named Larxene, Yuffie the hyperactive 'ninja', and Cloud, who looked a lot like Roxas except older and more sullen. I waited tables and manned the cash, trading insults with Larx while avoiding Yuffie and Cloud. It was a busy day once the university hit lunch period, and I tried to concentrate on flirting the girls out of their soon-to-be tips.

"Hey Ax, Luxord says you have to stay late for cleanup. "Yuffie chirped, her usually chipper attitude doing nothing to make the news any better.

"Why me? Make Cloud do it, he's been a mopey bitch all day." Queue a rude hand gesture from said mopey bitch as a left the coffee shop and hopped on his bike, Fenrir.

Yuffie giggled and headed out the door herself. "He says it's got to be you since you were late! Bye bye Axy-kins!"

"Serves you right for being such a lazy ass Axel." Larxene sneered, and I tried to ignore her. What she says so offhandedly were very close to what Roxas had said last time I had an 'episode' and I didn't want to think about that right now.

"Get the fuck out of here Larx, you're in my way."

She cackled and walked out the door, making sure to scuff her feet against the floor I was just about to clean. God, she was such a bitch sometimes.

I was alone in the coffee shop now, Luxord and Xaldin had snuck out the back without saying goodbye. Sighing, I picked up the broom and began to sweep, doing a really half-assed job before lazily wiping down the counters. I knew that I should clean up properly, but I couldn't be bothered with the shitty mood I was in.

It only took me half an hour to do a quick clean of the main room and Xigbar had already done the kitchen, I checked my phone and almost freaked out.

"Fuck, it's already eight?" The last bus was at eight-oh-five. If I ran I'd be able to make it. "Fuck fuck fuck." I chanted as I bolted out of the shop and down the road. I could see the bus just about to leave and I yelled for it to stop. Marly looked at me in his side mirror, gave me a smile and a wave, then drove off just as I reached the stop.

"FUCK!" I yelled, pulling on my hair. "Fucking prick! You're an asshole Marluxia!" This meant I'd have to make the forty minute walk back to our apartment instead of a ten minute bus ride.

Lucky for me no one tried to mug me as I walked the city streets at night, I was a skinny bastard, but my height, hair, and tattoos usually scared people away well enough. Among various ink under my clothes, I had two dark triangles right under my eyes, giving me a dangerous evil-clown (Larxene called me that once) look.

Even walking my fastest it took me the full forty minutes to get home. It was hot and humid out, and by the time I made it to the apartment, I was sweating like a pig. All I wanted was a cold shower and then bed.

"Roxas, are you home?" I called, hoping that maybe he'd join me in the shower, if not in bed. We hadn't had any intimate time in about a month, and I really missed it.

"In here Ax." He called from his office, which was now fully set up. I didn't go in there very often, it was Roxas' space, but when I did I was always surprised by how neat it was.

"You're home late, miss the bus?" He asked, not looking up from the building he was sketching.

I sighed and leaned against the wall. "Luxord had me close-up then Marluxia purposefully drove off without me." Roxas made a noise of sympathy but still didn't turn towards me.

The silence stretched for a few minutes before I felt the need to break it. "I'm going to take a shower and go to bed, want to join me?" I asked, trying to keep the desperation I felt out of my voice.

Roxas was silent for a while longer before huffing angrily and ripping the sketch he was working on in half. "God dammit, I can't get this right." He pulled out another new paper and began again. "Did you say something Ax?"

I sighed heavily again, knowing he wouldn't notice. "Nothing important Rox, goodnight."

"Night Axel." He said, giving me a half-hearted wave. He hadn't looked up at me once.

* * *

The next day was even worse. My alarm didn't go off at all, I couldn't find me Half Cup employees apron and the bus was late. By the time I got to work I was an hour late and I knew Luxord was going to kill me.

I walked into the coffee shop with my head hung, trying to look apologetic even before anyone started chewing me out. Yuffie looked up at me from the table she was serving and smiled sympathetically. Larxene was leaning over the register, looking more than a little pissed, but when she saw me she quickly changed her expression into that of annoyance. I looked over to the coffee bar when Cloud was being well… Cloud, and he was the only normal one there.

"Axel, is that you?" I cringed as I heard Luxord's voice call from the kitchen.

"Yeah boss, sorry I'm late. My alarm clock broke, I guess Roxas must have-" he cut off my excuses with an impatient wave.

"I don't care what Roxas did, I'm not even that pissed that you're late. What I want to know is if you remember what I asked you to do last night." Luxord's voice was calm and even, which scared me more than when he was yelling.

"Clean up?" I answered hesitantly.

Luxord nodded, turning his back to me and rummaging through the boxes on the back room floor. "Yes, clean up. And you were the last one to leave right?"

"Yeah, but I don't see what your-" I stopped mid-sentence, my mouth dropping open as I brought my hand up to slap my forehead. "Oh shit."

The boss turned back to me holding an envelope with my name on it. "Oh shit is right. You left the whole damn shop open all night."

"The bus… I was late- oh shit fuck dammit. I can't believe I forgot. " I felt like an idiot. "Was anything stolen?"

"No, nothing was stolen and you're lucky for that." He sighed and handed me the envelope. Inside was my paycheck and a letter or termination. "You're a good guy Ax, and you've been working here for years, but I can't have people slacking off and making mistakes like this. Come back when you're serious alright?"

All I could do was nod and hand over my apron. I could have tried to reason with him, he might have even caved if I told him how badly I needed the money. But I didn't, because I knew I had royally screwed up. I didn't deserve to work for him after this.

"Take care of yourself Axel, and don't be a stranger. Drop by sometimes." He held out his hand and I shook it numbly.

The rest of the day was a blur. Leaving Half Cup I avoided the sympathetic looks from Yuffie, the impassive glare from Cloud and how Larxene ignored me completely. I remember heading to a bar, not the Blue Poppy, but some seedy all-day dive. There was a girl behind the bar, and I convinced her it was my birthday. That got be a couple free beers, which turned into paid for shots of vodka, which turned into drunken dancing out on the floor.

Eventually I ended up at another bar, this one a fancy club where the drinks were even more expensive and the music was all bass. I had no idea how I got to that club from the bar, but before I knew it a boy with blue hair wearing little more than leather booty shorts and some glow sticks handed me some pills. After that, everything became swirling colours, shots, and euphoria.

I didn't think about work, or anything after that.

* * *

Somebody was talking, but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Urgh…" I groaned, covering my still closed eyes with me hand. My whole body felt hot, prickly, and disgustingly sweaty.

"I think he's walking up." A low-pitched male voice said. "You ok man? You're passed out in an alley."

An alley? I opened my eyes and sure enough, I was greeted by the dark brick of the alley outside the club from last night. "You're also missing some clothes, unless you went out clubbing without a shirt." The same voice said.

"He probably did, you know how crazy these clubs can be yo." That voice was higher and louder, making my head throb and my stomach lurch uncomfortably.

"The fuck happened?" I ground out, rolling onto my side and opening my eyes. Leaning over me was a guy who looked a lot like me, but with blue eyes, and beside him as another man with pulled back brown hair.

The redhead laughed, which made me cringe. "No idea yo, we were walking past and we saw you passed out here." He grinned as his eyes roamed my shirtless torso. "Topless, I might add."

The burnet growled while he gave the redhead a smack. "Keep your eyes to yourself Reno. I'm Leon, this idiots friend. I'm going to ask you again; are you ok?"

I sighed and did a mental once-over of myself. No major pains or cuts, no broken bones. I pushed myself up and sat against the bricks, feeling the grime from the alley all over my skin.

"Yeah, I'm good." I answered, avoiding the roaming gave of Reno and the impassive stare Leon was giving me.

"Oh good. Need help getting somewhere, or can you make it on your own? Reno, grab him your extra shirt from the gym bag." Reno began digging in the bag at his feet and pulled out a black long-sleeve.

"No-no it's fine. I don't need anything. Don't want to take your shirt." I protested, trying to look more competent by standing up.

Reno tossed it to me anyway and smiled, but not the same lecherous one from before. This was tighter around the edges and more forced. "Yeah, well I'm sure you'll want to cover up when you wake up a bit more and realise you're _not wearing a shirt _yo."

"Of course I know I'm not wearing a shir-" I stopped speaking immediately as his words sunk in. I wasn't wearing a shirt… my arms. My arms were showing, and even though the alley was kind of dark I was sure that my scars were clear as day to the two other men. Oh shit, oh fucking shit. I scrambled with the long sleeve, yanking it over my hair and down into place.

"Good, now go home and get cleaned up. And don't pass out in anymore alleys." Leon instructed. He grabbed Reno's arm and pulled him out of the ally, then down the street. "We're still doing a full workout, so you'd better call your lover-boy and tell him you'll be late."

I heard Reno whine as he was dragged and, if I had been in a better mood, I would have snickered. 'Axel, you're an idiot' I thought. Going out, getting drunk and high, and spending the night in an alley.

Holy Fuck.

I'd been out all night, and I didn't call Roxas. At least I don't _think _I called Roxas. God, I hopped I didn't call him when I was drunk off my ass.

Slowly walking home, luckily I had recognized the area, I was freaking out. Roxas was going to flip on me for not being home, and even if I lied, he'd still be suspicious. Then I'd have to tell him I was fired from Half Cup. Fuck, he was going to kill me.

It took me a good thirty minutes to walk back to the apartment, seeing as I had no money on me for the bus. Each step brought me closer to my doom 'oh stop being dramatic'. I'd decided to tell Roxas that I'd stayed over at Dem's house, and hope to god they didn't talk to each other. If Roxas (or Dem for that matter) found out what I'd been up to they'd stage an intervention faster than you could say 'scotch on the rocks'.

I was surprised to see an empty when I got home. Walking into our kitchen I threw my keys on the table and went to grab a drink from the fridge. I was majorly dehydrated from last night, and almost didn't notice the note taped in the middle of the fridge. The note, blue ink on white paper, stood out against the black fridge now that I was paying attention, and I realised it was probably from Roxas. Abandoning my quest for bottled water, I took the note down and read what it said in Roxas' perfect typewriter print.

_Axel,_

_Stayed the night with Sora- he and Riku are fighting again. Leftovers in the fridge- be back tomorrow night._

I tossed the note on the counter and slumped into one of the chairs. Roxas. Wasn't. Home. A strangled laugh slipped from me. He wasn't even fucking home. He hadn't been worrying about me, didn't know I'd spent the night drinking and rolling on ecstasy.

Roxas was at his brothers place because he _needed _him. Sora fucking needed Roxas because of some sissy fight with Riku, so Roxas dropped everything to be there for him. I brought my hands up to my hair and pulled, trying to physically grab the thoughts from my head.

Why was I so fucking _hurt_? Roxas didn't know, didn't know I was having urges, didn't know I was slipping back into my old habits. I hadn't told him, I kept smiling and trying to make sure he was always OK. Maybe it was because Roxas _should _have known, should have been able to tell, but he was too busy to even notice.

I knew I was going to do something stupid if I didn't calm down. I could feel my self-control slipping at a scary rate. I could all Roxas, or Demyx and Zexion, and they'd be here within minutes to talk me down. But I couldn't… no, I _didn't_ want to. I wanted to hurt, to hurt so bad that all the other hurts wouldn`t fucking matter.

My mind made up, I stood and walked shakily over to the kitchen drawers. Inside were our cooking things, spoons, strainers, _knives_. I took the smallest one, a paring knife and opened the next drawer down. This one was full of candles we'd bought after we spent the last blackout in the dark. I snatched the cheap lighter we kept there and slammed the drawer shut.

**WARNING GRAPHIC SELF-VIOLENCE STARTS HERE (I'll put another marker when it ends)**

Next I found myself in the bathroom with my shirt (Reno's shirt) already off and lighter in hand. It was brown, I'd never liked brown, but that didn't really matter. What did matter was the flame that flickered to life every time I snapped the starter back and the metal around the flame that got hotter with each passing second. Without a second thought I brought the top my left arm and pressed it hard into the pale, scarred skin.

"Fuckkkk…" I moaned, enjoying the intense burn and hiss of searing skin. Again and again lighter imprints appeared like tiny footprints from my wrist to the crook of my elbow.

It was already not enough, not enough pain to make me numb. I dropped the lighter into the sink and picked up my knife. Watching myself in the mirror, I pulled the small blade from just above my right wrist to bellow my elbow, getting steadily deeper as I went. When I was done there was one long, bloody slash bleeding sluggishly.

Everything after that is a haze of blood, metal and shaky breathing. I didn't cry while I did it, I never did. Instead I focused on covering every inch of my right forearm in cuts and every inch of my left in burns. The sink was covered in running red and the bathroom stunk like burnt flesh.

I was calm now, detached as I wrapped my arms with two tensor bandages we kept under the skin and cleaned up the sink, I washed the knife, returned it and the lighter to the drawer, and sprayed some air freshener to get rid of the smell.

I was finally numb, it felt so good that I didn't even feel bad for giving into old habits.

**GRAPHIC SELF-VIOLENCE ENDS HERE**

* * *

The rest of the day was spent lounging around watching T.V, listening to music, and staring off into space. I was waiting for Roxas to get home so I could tell him I'd lost my job. I wasn't worried anymore. Nothing Roxas said could bother me now, not after I'd just done.

The door clicked open around five, and I watched silently from the couch as my golden-haired lover walked. He didn't even notice me until I spoke up.

"Welcome home Roxy." I greeted in a neutral drawl, making him jump.

"Axel? Shouldn't you be at work?" he asked. Always one to get right down to business, that's my Roxas.

"Yes, I should be." He gave me a confused, slightly frustrated look.

"Then why aren't you?"

I stood up and walked to our bedroom. "Got fired. The dumbass bus driver made me late one too many times and Luxord fired me." I didn't look at him as I told him, but I figured he was angry.

There was silence for a few seconds, with neither me of Roxas knowing what to say. Finally he sighed and I heard his soft footsteps behind me. I prepared myself for a punch, a scream, a 'this isn't going to work out', anything but what really happened. A soft hand touched my arm and I flinched, not because it shocked me, but because he'd touched a burn. Roxas tugged a little to turn me around and I had to hold in a pained whimper.

"Did you explain to him?" Roxas' voice was deafeningly loud in our silent space.

I shook my head. "He wouldn't care. Luxord hates slackers about as much as he hates excuses. " I hesitated. "I also left the café unlocked last night. Nothing was stolen but, you know."

It got quiet again and I could almost head the wheels turning behind those pretty blue eyes. He looked up at me , studying my face. "You ok?"

God, I almost broke down right there. I wanted to tell him, roll up my sleeves and say 'no, I'm not fucking OK, I feel like I'm falling apart' and beg him to make things OK again. Instead, I flashed him a crooked grin and planted a quick kiss on his lips. "Yeah Roxy. I'm fine. Gonna catch a nap though, didn't sleep well last night." Lies, lies, lies.

"Alrighty Ax, sleep well. I'll order us a pizza yeah?" He smiled tiredly up at me and finally let go of my arm. "Love you."

I turned back to our bedroom, trying to hide the shaking of my hands and the wetness forming in my eyes. I'd have to pretend more today, I'd have to eat some pizza to make him happy. "Love you to Roxy-Bear." I called over my shoulder. The door closed behind me and I collapsed to my knees, tearing pouring down my face. My teeth bit sharply into my hand as I tried to muffle my sobs.

So much for being numb.

* * *

**So there you have it, chapter 3! Please leave a review if you liked it, or even if you didn't ****J****. Oh and also, expect a new story from me on the 22nd, it's going to be Demyx's part of my AkuRoku _Looks Like Rain. _Also expect another story on the 27th, a RenoxRude that I really don't have a plot for yet. Until then… byebye!**


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